Tales of Hodja Nasreddin: Wisdom and Humor from the Orient
The Tales of Hodja Nasreddin clearly show how the ways of a master lead to the way of Allah. When he saves others, he does not forget his own good. Of course, the motifs of the religions of the holy scriptures come to the fore, which clarifies the patterns of these adventures and the great game. In this way, the most serious problems of theology can be easily solved.
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One day, as Hodja Nasreddin sat on the bank of a river, ten blind men came to him. They asked him to take them to the other side. Molla (title for an Islamic jurist and religious scholar) agreed, but on condition that each of them give a quarter of a thong.
He led nine blind men across, and when he led the tenth across, the water caught the blind man in the middle of the river and swept him away.
The blind men realised what had happened and cried out.
– Why are you making such a fuss? – Hodja Nasreddin shrugged his shoulders: Give a quarter of a thong less and that’s it!
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One day Hodja Nasreddin was robbed on the street by robbers. They grabbed his donkey, took his money and beat him.
Finally Hodja Nasreddin couldn’t take it any more and cried out:
– Why are you beating me? Did I not come at the right time, or did I not bring enough?
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Hodja Nasreddin had a very good cow that gave a lot of milk. One day she fell ill and died. Hodja went mad with grief.
The neighbours began to tell that when Hodja Nasreddin’s beloved wife had died a month before, he had not grieved and mourned so much.
– Of course,” Hodja Nasreddin replied, “when my wife died, everyone comforted me and said, ‘Don’t cry, we will find you a new and better wife…’. But my cow has been dead for two days and no one comes to me and comforts me, ‘Don’t cry, we will get you a new and better cow…'” So what can I do now?
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One day Hodja Nasreddin was bringing grain to the mill. He was standing in a queue and from time to time he pushed grain from other people’s sacks into his own sack. The miller noticed this and asked:
– Shame on you, Molla, what are you doing?
– I am some kind of madman,” replied an embarrassed Hodja Nasreddin.
– ‘If you are crazy, why don’t you put your grain in the others’ sacks?
– I said I was crazy, but I didn’t say I was an idiot.
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One night a thief broke into Hodja Nasreddin’s house. He ransacked the house but found nothing, took an old chest of drawers and went out. When he comes to the door of his house, he suddenly sees Hodja Nasreddin lying sleepily in wait behind him with a mattress and a blanket.
– Where are you going? – the thief was taken aback.
– Where are you going? – We’re moving here, aren’t we?
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One night a thief broke into Hodja Nasreddin’s house. His wife woke up and started pushing her husband away.
– “Pray that he finds something in our house,” Hodja Nasreddin muttered and rolled over onto his other side, “then it won’t be so hard to take it away from him…”
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Hodja Nasreddin brought home a small piece of meat and asked his wife what she could make out of it.
– Anything you want.
– Then cook it all.
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One day one of Hodja Nasreddin’s relatives did something to please him.
– Ask me anything you want, Hodja Nasreddin said without thinking.
The relative was so pleased that he could not think of anything to ask.
– I have until tomorrow to think about it,” he finally said.
The Hodja Nasreddin agreed. The next day, when the relative came to him with a request, he replied:
– I have promised you only one thing. You asked me to give you till tomorrow. I have. So what more do you want?
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Once when Hodja Nasreddin was by the sea, he was very thirsty and drank some salt water.
The thirst did not subside, of course, but on the contrary, his throat became even drier and nauseous. He walked a little way ahead and found a spring with fresh water. When he had drunk enough, he filled his cap with fresh water, then carried it and poured it into the sea.
“Foam and boil not,” he said to the sea. – There is nothing to boast of in vain before men; taste what real water must be like!”
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When Nasreddin carried a certain scholar across a stormy river, he said something grammatically wrong.
– Have you never studied grammar? – the scholar asked.
– No.
– Then you have lost half your life.
After a few minutes Nasreddin turned to his companion:
– ‘Have you ever learned to swim?
– No, why?
– Then you have lost your whole life – we are drowning!
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One day the villagers saw Hodja Nasreddin running as fast as he could.
– Where are you running so fast? – a neighbour asked him.
– They say my voice sounds good from a distance, he replied as he ran.
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Nasreddin lost his donkey. He began to cry out in the bazaar:
– Whoever finds my donkey, I will give him saddle and tack.
– If you want to give everything as a reward, he was asked, why are you looking for it and taking so much trouble?
– Yes, he replied, but it is just that you have never experienced the joy of finding it.
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Hodja Nasreddin once said:
– I can see very well in the dark.
– All right, but if that is so, why do you always walk around at night with a candle?
– So that others can’t bump into me.
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Nasreddin was digging holes in the steppe. A passer-by asked him:
– ‘What are you doing here?
– I’m digging in the steppe for my money, – Nasreddin replied, – but no matter how hard I try, I can’t find it.
– Did you leave any signs? – the passer-by asked.
– Yes, of course! – replied Nasreddin. – When I buried the money, there was a shadow of a cloud there!
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One day Hodja Nasreddin was asked to preach in the mosque. Nasreddin refused for a very long time, but the people did not let up. Finally, he climbed up on the minbar and addressed the believers with these words:
– Dear people, do you know what I am going to talk about?
– No, replied the listeners, we do not know.
Nasreddin came down from the minbar enraged and shouted:
– If you are so ignorant, it is useless to waste time with you! – and went back to his house.
The next day Nasreddin came to the mosque, climbed up on the minbar and addressed the crowd with the same question. The people consulted among themselves and answered in one voice:
– Of course we know.
– Well, if you know everything yourself, said Nasreddin, then I have nothing to say to you.
He left the minbar and went away, and his listeners decided to answer the next time that some of them knew what he was talking about and others did not, so Nasreddin had to say something.
On the third day Nasreddin went up to the minbar again and repeated his question.
The listeners shouted that some of them knew what he was going to say and others did not.
Then Nasreddin realised that they were trying to trick him and he was not confused and said:
– Good. Let those who know tell those who do not know.
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A man came to Nasreddin’s house and wanted to become his disciple. It was cold in the house, and while he waited for his wife to bring hot soup, he blew on his hands in concentration. The newcomer, who knew that every action of an enlightened Sufi had a hidden meaning, asked him why he was doing this.
– To keep warm, of course, he replied. Soon the food was brought to them and Nasreddin blew on his soup.
– Why are you doing this, master? – the apprentice asked.
– To cool the soup, of course, Hodja Nasreddin replied.
Thereupon the apprentice left Hodja Nasreddin’s house, as he could no longer trust a man who achieved the opposite by the same means.
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One day, the village boys decided to steal Hodja Nasreddin’s famous shoes. When they saw him walking on the road, they crowded together under a tree and began to argue loudly whether he should be allowed to climb the tree or not.
– What’s so bad about that? Of course I can, said Hodja Nasreddin, who had appeared in the meantime.
– But you can’t! – replied one of the boys.
– The tree is too high, said the other.
– You’re just showing off, said a third.
Without saying a word, he took off his shoes, put them in his belt and walked towards the tree.
– Why are you taking the shoes? – the boys began to shout.
– A true Sufi never knows where he will go the next moment. I may never have to return to earth. So it is better to take them with you….
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One day Hodja Nasreddin went into a shop. The owner came to serve him. Nasreddin said: First of all, the most important thing. Did you see me enter your shop?
– Yes, of course!
– Have you ever seen me before?
– Never in my life.
– Then how do you know it was me?
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Once upon a time, a greedy and rich Qādī (is a jurist according to Islamic state doctrine) drowned in a pond. Everyone crowded around the pond, stretching out their hands and shouting:
– Give me your hand! Give me your hand! – but it was as if the Qādī had not heard. Then Hodja Nasreddin came by. When he saw what was happening, he held out his hand to the Qādī and said, “Here!”
He grabbed Hodja Nasreddin’s hand and in a minute he was on the shore.
– The judge only listens when you say ‘na’ to him, the wise Hodja Nasreddin explained his behaviour to the assembled crowd.
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One day Hodja Nasreddin carelessly boasted that he could teach his donkey to speak. When the Emir heard about this, he ordered him to pay 1,000 tangas (coins) to show him a talking donkey after a while. At home, Hodja Nasreddin’s wife began to weep and mourn:
– And why did you cheat Emir, why did you take the money! If he finds out that you have cheated him, he will put you in prison!
– Calm down, woman, Nasreddin replied, and better hide the money. I have set myself twenty years. In that time either the donkey will die or the emir….
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One day Hodja Nasreddin lost his donkey. After spending the whole day searching, the exasperated Hodja Nasreddin solemnly swore by Allah that if he found “that damned donkey” he would immediately sell it for a thong (coin). And then he saw his donkey.
The next day, everyone saw Hodja Nasreddin standing in the bazaar with his donkey and cat. When asked what he was doing there, Nasreddin said he was selling his donkey for 1 thong and his cat for 100 thongs, but only together….
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A man who wanted to perform a ritual ablution in the river asked Hodja Nasreddin:
– What do the hadiths say – in which direction should I turn during ablution? Towards Mecca or towards Medina?
– Turn towards your clothes so that they are not stolen by thieves…. – Hodja Nasreddin replied.
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One day Hodja Nasreddin was eating sultanas. A friend approaches him and asks him:
– Hodja Nasreddin, what are you eating?
– There you go… – he replied.
– What do you mean by ‘there you go’? What kind of answer is that?
– I mean short.
– What do you mean by short?
– You ask me what I eat. If I say ‘sultanas’, you say, ‘Give me some’. I will say, “No, I won’t.” They will ask, “Why?” and I will say, “Well…” So I’ll be brief up front: “Well…”
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Once a famous chef treated Nasreddin to fried liver. Hodja Nasreddin liked this dish so much that he asked the chef for the recipe and carefully wrote it down on a piece of paper. Then he went to the market and bought two pounds of fresh liver.
On the way home, a big bird snatched the liver out of his hand and flew away.
– Well, you can have the meat, he said, looking after it ironically. – Say, what are you going to do without a recipe?
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One day a neighbour came to Nasreddin and asked him for a ten-year-old vinegar. Hodja said no.
– But you have ten-year-old vinegar! – his neighbour was offended.
– You are a strange man, Hodja Nasreddin replied, do you think I would have had ten-year-old vinegar if I had given it to anyone who asked for it?
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One day a man climbed a tall tree and could not get down. The villagers deliberated for a long time and finally decided to go and see Hodja Nasreddin, who is known for his wisdom. Without saying a word, Hodja Nasreddin threw a rope to the poor man and told him to tie a rope around his waist. He did so. Then Hodja Nasreddin pulled hard on its end and the man landed on the ground with a broken leg.
Everyone started criticising Nasreddin for his stupid and reckless behaviour.
– I don’t understand it, Hodja Nasreddin shrugged, this method always works when you have to pull someone out of a well….
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Hodja Nasreddin crawled into the strange garden and quickly began to collect watermelons in a sack. In the process he was caught by the owner of the melon fields.
– What are you doing here? – he shouted.
– You won’t believe it, my friend, the wind was so strong this morning that it swept me off the ground and into your field.
– Then who picked all these watermelons?
– I held on to them so that the wind wouldn’t carry me away….
– Then who put them in your sack?
– I swear to Allah, when you came up, I was just standing there thinking about this question….
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One day his wife said, to annoy Hodja Nasreddin:
– Hodja, you are so ugly, it would be a pity if our future child looked like you….
– That’s nothing, Hodja Nasreddin replied, woe to you if the child doesn’t look like me….
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Hodja Nasreddin married an ugly bride. When he got dressed in the morning and was about to go out into the street, his wife, who was trying on a burqa in front of the mirror, said to him:
– Efendi, to whom of your relatives may I show my face and to whom not?
– Show your face to whoever you want, but not to me! – Hodja Nasreddin exclaimed.
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One day Hodja Nasreddin, who was a mollah, went to a village. When he was preaching in the mosque, Hodja remarked that the righteous are in the fourth heaven. As he was leaving the mosque, an old woman came up to him and said:
– You said that the righteous are in the fourth heaven. And what do they eat and drink there?
– You insolent woman! – You ask what the righteous eat and drink in heaven! I have been living in your village for a month now and no one has asked me what I eat and drink!
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One day a certain righteous dervish Melami said to Nasreddin:
– Hodja Nasreddin, is your profession in this world nothing but nonsense, and is there nothing virtuous and perfect in you?
– Well… what is perfect in you, dervish? – Hodja replied.
– I have many talents, he replied, and my virtues cannot be counted. Every night I leave this mortal world and fly up to the borders of the first heaven; I soar in the heavenly realms and contemplate the wonders of the celestial kingdom.
– Is not a breeze from heaven blowing over your face just now? – Hodja Nasreddin remarked.
– Yes, yes, said the dervish cheerfully.
– So, this thing is the tail of my long-eared donkey…. – Nasreddin smiled.
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One day a thief stole Hodja Nasreddin’s hat and ran away. Hodja immediately went to the nearest cemetery and waited.
– What are you doing? – his people asked him – the thief had fled in a completely different direction!
– It’s all right, he replied coldly, wherever he goes, sooner or later he will come here….
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It was his habit to punish anyone who gave him a bad dream. When Hodja Nasreddin heard about this, he quickly packed his things and ran to his village. Then someone began to explain to him: “Dear Nasreddin! You are the only one who can get along with Emir. Your people only benefit from it. Why did you leave everything and come here?”
Hodja Nasreddin replied, “When he is awake, by Allah’s Grace, I can take appropriate action against his arrogance; but when he becomes violent in his sleep – it is no longer in my power!”
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The Emir ordered Hodja Nasreddin to put an inscription on the ring that would support him in his misfortune and restrain him in his joy.
The next day he went to the Emir and silently presented him with the ring with the inscription, “This too shall pass”….
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Hodja Nasreddin, who had always feared death, continued to joke and laugh on his deathbed.
– Hodja Nasreddin, he was asked: You were so afraid of death, where has your fear gone now?
– I was afraid of getting into this situation, he replied, but why should I be afraid now?
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Nasreddin crossed the border every day with his donkey loaded with baskets of straw. Since everyone knew he was smuggling, the guards searched him from head to toe every time. They searched Nasreddin himself, examined the straw, dipped it in water, even burned it from time to time, but could never find anything.
Many years later, one of the guards met the old Hodja Nasreddin in a teahouse and asked him:
– ‘Now you have nothing to hide, Nasreddin. Tell me, what did you bring across the border when we couldn’t catch you?
– Donkeys, – Nasreddin replied.
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Late one day on his way home, Nasreddin saw a group of horsemen approaching him. His imagination was immediately stimulated. He imagined that they were robbers who wanted to rob him or sell him into slavery.
Nasreddin ran away, climbed over the fence of the cemetery and crawled into an open grave. The people who were interested in his behaviour – the ordinary travellers – followed him. They found the grave where he lay trembling, waiting to see what would happen.
– What are you doing here in this grave?” the people asked. – Is there anything we can do for you?
– Just because you can ask a question doesn’t mean you’ll get a satisfactory answer,” said Hodja Nasreddin, who had realised what had happened. – ‘It’s all too complicated. The thing is that I am here for you and you are here for me.
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Nasreddin once read in a book that a man who has a narrow forehead and whose beard is longer than two fists is an idiot. He looked in the mirror and saw that his forehead was narrow. Then he took his beard in his hand and saw that it was much longer than it should be.
– It’s not good if people think I’m an idiot, he said to himself and decided to shorten the beard.
But there were no scissors at hand. Nasreddin simply stuck the protruding end of the beard into the fire. It burst into flames and burnt Nasreddin’s hands. He pulled them away, the flames burnt his beard, his moustache and cauterised his face. When he had recovered from the burns, he wrote in the margin of the book:
“Proven in practice”.
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Once the Emir asked Nasreddin:
– Who do you respect most in the world?
– Those who have a richly laid table before me and do not skimp on food.
– I invite you to tomorrow’s feast! – Timur cried out immediately.
– Good, then I will also respect you from tomorrow!
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One day, the emir decided to force all the people in Bukhara to tell only the truth. For this purpose, a paddle wheel was set up in front of the city gates. Everyone who entered was questioned by the chief of the guard. If, in his opinion, a person told the truth, he was let through. Otherwise, he was hanged.
A large crowd gathered in front of the gate. No one dared to even come near it. Nasreddin boldly approached the head of the guard.
– Why are you going into the city? – he was asked very seriously.
– I am going to be hanged from this paddle wheel, – Nasreddin replied.
– You’re lying!, the chief of the guard shouted.
– Then hang me.
– But if we hang you, then your words are true.
– That’s just it, smiled Hodja Nasreddin, it depends on the point of view….
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One day Hodja Nasreddin tried a vodka made from grapes and got completely drunk. The neighbour began to insult Nasreddin.
– I’m not drunk at all,” Hodja said, barely moving his tongue. – ‘I am not even a little drunk, and I will prove it to you. Look, see that cat coming through the door? Well, he’s only got one eye!
– You’re even drunker than I thought, said the neighbour. – The cat’s coming out!
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A respected man came to visit Hodja Nasreddin. He was worried about his daughter, because he was the father of a beautiful daughter. He was very worried. He said:
– Every morning she has a slight malaise, I have been to all the doctors but they say it is all right, it is all right. What is to be done?
Nasreddin closed his eyes and thought about the problem, then he opened them and asked:
– Do you give her milk before going to bed?
– Yes!, the man replied.
Nasreddin said:
– Well, then I know what the problem is. When you give milk to a child, it runs all night from left to right, right to left, and that turns the milk into curds. Then curds turn into cheese, cheese turns into butter, butter turns into fat, fat turns into sugar and sugar turns into alcohol – and of course she has a hangover in the morning!
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At a feast, Nasreddin took a grape and put it all in his mouth.
– Hodja Nasreddin, they said to him, you eat one grape after another.
– What you eat of the berry is called aubergine.
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When Hodja Nasreddin was building a house, he instructed the carpenter to nail the floor boards to the ceiling and the ceiling boards to the floor. The carpenter asked what it was for, and Hodja Nasreddin explained:
– I am getting married soon, and when a man gets married, everything in the house is turned upside down, and I make arrangements in advance.
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After the death of his wife, Nasreddin married a widow. Nasreddin always praised the deceased wife and the new wife praised the deceased husband. One day they were lying in bed praising their former spouses. Suddenly Nasreddin pushed his wife with all his might and threw her on the floor. The wife was offended and complained to her father. The father-in-law began to ask Nasreddin for a reply and he said:
– It was not my fault. There were four of us in bed: me, my former wife, her and her former husband. It got tight – and she fell down.
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Nasreddin went through the bazaar and saw a merchant selling an old sabre for 300 tenge (coin).
– Tell me, why is such an old sabre so expensive? You don’t pay more than 100 for a new one, do you?
– This is no ordinary sabre. It belonged to the legendary Temur. When he pointed it at his enemies, it elongated three times!
Nasreddin said nothing, but went home and soon returned with the old poker. Sitting near the seller of the sabre, he began to sell his poker for 1000 tenge.
– Why are you asking so much money for a common old poker? – the sabre seller asked him.
– This is no ordinary poker, Nasreddin replied. – When my wife points it at me, it lengthens tenfold!
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Hodja Nasreddin was asked:
– When will the end of the world come?
– What do you mean by the end of the world? – Hodja Nasreddin remarked.
– How many end-of-worlds of doom are there? – The man wondered.
– When my wife dies, Hodja Nasreddin replied, it will be a small end of the world, and when I die it will be a great end of the world….
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One day Hodja Nasreddin was on his way to a neighbouring village. On the way, he bought a watermelon. He cut it open, ate half, threw the other half on the road and said to himself:
– Let the one who sees this watermelon think that Bek passed by here.
He walked a little way, returned, picked up the thrown half, ate it and said:
– Let them think that the Bek had a servant who ate the half.
He went a little further, repented, returned, picked up the crusts, ate them and said:
– Let them think that the Bek also had a donkey.
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Nasreddin walks across the room and throws a handful of rice flour.
– What are you doing? – his wife asks him.
– I am driving away the tigers.
– But there are no tigers here!
– Of course there are. That’s an effective remedy!
∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗
Once Hodja Nasreddin was sitting on the bank of a river, paddling on the water with a stick.
– What are you doing? – a passer-by asked him.
– Koumiss.
– But that’s no way to make koumiss!
– I know. But what if something happens?
∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗
One day a passer-by saw Hodja Nasreddin sitting on the riverbank washing a live cat.
– Hey, Hodja Nasreddin! What are you doing? Cats die of water!
– Come, come, don’t disturb me.
The passer-by goes on his way. After a while he comes back and sees another picture. Nasreddin is sitting on the bank, and next to him is a dead cat.
– Oh, I told you that cats die of water….
– You understand quite a lot, – Nasreddin interrupted him. – When I washed the cat, it was still alive. It died when I started squeezing it….
∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗
Nasreddin says to his son:
– Bring the food and then close the door.
– Let me close the door first and then bring the food….
∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗
Nasreddin is asked:
– How old were you when you first got married?
– I don’t remember exactly, because I wasn’t sane then!
∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗
Nasreddin came home for dinner and brought a friend. His wife started grumbling that there was nothing to eat at home, etc. Hodja wanted to object, but his wife immediately hit him on the forehead with a ladle, giving the poor man a big bump.
– Don’t get too upset, my friend, his friend tried to calm him down, “if I tell my wife something funny at home, she will grab my beard and put it in the oven”.
With pride Hodja Nasreddin straightened up:
– ‘I am not the kind of man to be grabbed by the beard!’
∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗
Nasreddin got married. Pilaf is served to the guests during the wedding feast. In the excitement, they forgot to invite the groom to the dostarkhan (tablecloth, dining table) and he sat in the corner, hungry and offended. The moment had come for the groom to be led to the marriage bed.
– Please, Efandi, the friends appealed to him.
– I will not go! He who has eaten the pilaf shall go to the bride! – Nasreddin replied sullenly.
∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗
Nasreddin and his wife sat down to a meal. The wife took a cup of hot soup and had tears in her eyes.
– Why are you crying? – Nasreddin asked.
– I remembered that my late mother loved this soup, I could not hold back and cried.
Then Nasreddin tasted the soup and tears came to his eyes.
His wife asked:
– Why are you crying?
– I am also thinking of your dead mother, who gave me such a fool.
∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗
Hodja Nasreddin once brought some grain to the mill. His wife tied the sack, but on the way it came loose more than once. When Nasreddin reached the mill, he had to untie the sack ten times. Nasreddin came back and began to scold his wife:
– ‘What a sack you have tied! I had to stop and untie it ten times.
∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗
One day the Emir said to Nasreddin:
– I need an astrologer, but we cannot find a suitable one. Can’t you become an astrologer?
– Yes, I can, – said Nasreddin, – but only together with my wife.
– How is that possible? – Timur asked.
– It is a tradition that my opinion never coincides with that of my wife. For example, if I say in the evening, looking at the clouds, “Tomorrow it will rain”, she will certainly look at the clouds and say, “It won’t rain”. After that, each of us is on our own, and we would rather die than submit to each other. For some years now – I have noticed it myself – either her words or mine have come true. The opposite is the case. That’s why I can only be an astrologer together with my wife.
∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗
Why do you snore in your sleep? – the wife nagged Nasreddin.
– Why do you lie? – he snapped at her. – ‘The last time you said I snore, I was awake two nights in a row, but I didn’t hear a sound. You’re just making a big deal out of me.
∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗
Nasreddin’s wife was very ugly. One evening he looked at her face for a long time.
– Why are you suddenly looking at me? – she asked.
– Today I looked at a very beautiful woman for a long time, and no matter how hard I tried to avert my gaze from her, I could not. So I decided to atone for my sin and look at you the same way I looked at her….
∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗
Nasreddin once asked his disciple:
– Tell me which is heavier: a pound of cotton wool or a pound of iron?
– In my opinion, the weight of both is equal.
– Yes, my son. Your answer seems to be correct, but yesterday my wife proved to me that a pound of iron is much heavier than a pound of cotton.
∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗
Nasreddin stood on the bank of the pond and sighed loudly. A friend asked him what he was sighing about.
– Don’t you know,” Hodja replied, “that my first wife drowned in this pond?
– But you married a beautiful and rich woman, didn’t you? Why mourn?
– That’s why I sigh, she doesn’t like to swim.
∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗
Nasreddin once went into his garden, lay down under a pear tree and fell asleep. Then a friend came with the news that Hodja Nasreddin’s mother had died. Nasreddin’s son took him into the garden, woke his father and said:
– ‘Wake up, father, the neighbour has brought the news that your mother has died.
– Oh,” said Nasreddin, “how terrible it is! And tomorrow, when I wake up, it will be even worse!
With these words, he turned on his other side and snored.
∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗
A man from a neighbouring village married the daughter of Nasreddin. The grooms and matchmakers put the bride on a camel and set off. Hodja Nasreddin watched the caravan for a long time, then shrieked and ran after her. After an hour and a half, sweating and out of breath, he caught up with the caravan. After pushing the women, Nasreddin pushed his way to his daughter and said:
– I almost forgot to tell you the most important thing: my daughter. When you sew, don’t forget to knot the end of the thread, otherwise the thread will come out of your ear and the needle will be without thread.
∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗
Nasreddin’s daughter came crying to her father, complaining that her husband had beaten her. Nasreddin immediately grabbed a stick, hit her with it and said:
– Tell your husband that if he beats my daughter, I am even with his wife.
∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗
Nasreddin had a wife who had survived three husbands before him. One day the sick Hodja was lying in oblivion. His wife sat beside him and continued to cry, “Who are you leaving me for?”
Nasreddin could stand it no longer, opened one eye and whispered with his last strength:
– To the fifth fool!
∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗
For several years I have been trying to make halva, but I still don’t succeed,” Nasreddin said. If I had flour, I had no oil, and if I had oil, I had no flour.
– Is it possible that you could not get both butter and flour in such a short time? – he was asked.
– When I had both butter and flour, I myself was not there.
∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗
One day Hodja Nasreddins entered the halva-maker’s shop. Without looking around, he went straight to the counter and started sucking on his halva. The shopkeeper immediately pounced on him:
– Hey you, by what right are you eating halvah for free from a righteous Muslim?
With these words, he began to beat Hodja Nasreddins. And the latter replied nonchalantly:
– Halvah is not only great, you have to eat it with blows!
∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗
One day Hodja Nasreddins saw a fat teahouse owner in the bazaar shaking a begging vagabond and demanding payment for his lunch.
– I just smelled your pilaf! – The tramp apologised.
– ‘The smell is worth the money too! – The fat man replied.
– Wait, let him go – I will pay you everything’, with these words Hodja Nasreddins went to the teahouse owner. He let the poor man go. He took some coins out of his pocket and shook them in the teahouse owner’s ear.
– What is this? – The latter wondered.
– Whoever sells the smell of the food gets a few coins,” he replied nonchalantly.
∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗
At a wedding, Nasreddin sat next to a stranger who greedily grabbed handfuls of sugar, sweets and all kinds of candy and put them in his pockets.
– I am my son,” he apologised and looked at Nasreddin. – Gifts from the wedding feast are especially nice for children, aren’t they?
Suddenly Nasreddin poured a kettle of hot tea into his pocket.
– Eh, what are you doing, my good man! – squeaked the greedy guest.
– If your son eats so many sweets, he’s bound to be thirsty!
∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗
One day Nasreddin nibbled a piece of chewing gum. When it was time to go to lunch, he took the gum out of his mouth and stuck it on the end of his nose.
– Why do you do that? – he was asked.
– It’s good to have your possessions in front of you,” Nasreddin replied.
∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗
Whatever was required of Molla, he would give it another day. When asked why he was doing this, the Hodja replied:
– ‘I do it so that they may better feel the value of the thing that I give’.
∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗
An acquaintance asked Nasreddin for money for a short time.
– I cannot give money,” Nasreddin replied. – But I can give you, as a friend, any term.
∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗
When Nasreddin was a guest, they brought fried beans after dinner. Although Nasreddin took great care during dinner, he pounced on the beans like mad.
– If you keep eating so many beans,” said the master of the house, “you may get indigestion and then you may die.
∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗
Without stopping to eat the beans, Nasreddin replied:
– If I die, then take care of my family in the name of Allah….
∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗
On a hot summer day, a neighbour called Hodja Nasreddin for a visit. They served sweet syrup in a large jug. The host gave Hodja Nasreddin a teaspoon and took a whole ladle for himself and began to ladle the syrup out of the jug. Hodja Nasreddin tried hard but could not keep up with him. And the master exclaimed with joy every time he scooped it:
– Oh, I am dying!
Finally, Nasreddin threw the teaspoon and snatched the ladle from the master:
– Neighbour! Be a man – let me die once too!
∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗
Nasreddin says to his miserly neighbour:
– Why do you never invite me?
– Because you have an enviable appetite. No sooner have you swallowed one mouthful than you are stuffing the next one into your mouth.
– If you invite me as a guest,’ Nasreddin suggested, ‘I give you my word that I will perform two rakats of namaz between two sips.’
∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗
Molla had a very stingy neighbour. Molla noticed that the cook brought the miser a roasted chicken for several days in a row, but the miser only ate stale bread and did not touch the chicken. The cook took the untouched chicken back. Molla watched it for a fortnight and finally said:
– The chicken is lucky! Her real life began after her death.
∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗
Love brought Hoxha to the village imam.
– What do you want: to sleep or to drink? – the Imam asked.
Seeing that the Imam did not even mention food, Hoxha said:
– Before I came here, I slept at the spring.
∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗
Nasreddin stayed at the bazaar until nightfall. It was a long way home, so he decided to spend the night at his friend’s house. They had already eaten dinner and were about to go to bed when Hodja Nasreddin came to join them. His friend made a nice bed for him and went into another room to sleep. Nasreddin rolled around in bed for a long time, but he was still hungry. Hodja Nasreddin could not bear it and knocked on his friend’s door.
– What is the matter? – he asked.
– My head is low. Give me some tortillas to put under my head or I won’t be able to sleep.
∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗
Nasreddin went to work for a rich but very stingy man. They had broth for lunch. Nasreddin got up and started to undress when he realised there was nothing in it except a circle of carrots.
– Friend, what are you doing? – Nasreddin was surprised.
– ‘Don’t interfere. I want to dip into the bowl and see if there is a piece of meat on the bottom.
∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗
One day Hodja Nasreddin went to visit a friend of his. He had no lunch, so he put butter and honey in front of Hodja Nasreddin. After Hodja Nasreddin had eaten all the butter, he brought him the honey and ate it without bread.
– Hodja Nasreddin, do not eat honey alone,” said the Master, “it will burn your heart.
– Allah alone knows which of us has a burning heart now,” Hodja Nasreddin replied.
∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗
Nasreddin was sitting at the gate feasting on roast chicken. A neighbour came up to me and asked:
– Look, Hodja Nasreddin, your chicken is very good, give me a piece too.
– I can’t! I would love to give it to you, but it’s not my chicken, it’s my wife’s chicken.
– But I see you are eating it yourself!
– What can I do,” says Nasreddin, “when my wife has told me to eat it.
∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗
One day a man who had never paid his debts came to Hodja Nasreddin and said:
– I come to you with a request.
Nasreddin immediately understood that he came to ask for money and hastened to reply:
– Whatever you have asked, I will fulfil it, but I also have a request of you – first you fulfil mine, then I fulfil yours.
– Say please.
– I beg you, do not ask me for money!
∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗
Nasreddin has a guest. After the meal, the guest says to Nasreddin:
– In our town, grapes are served after the meal.
– In our country, that is considered inappropriate,” Nasreddin said.
∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗
One of Hodja Nasreddin’s close friends came to visit from his village. When he entered the courtyard, he started beating his donkey:
– ‘I wish you were dead! – he shouted. – Whatever I loaded you with, you wouldn’t carry it! You dishonoured me in front of my best friend!
– Do not strike him,” said Nasreddin. – Just as he brought nothing here, he will take nothing away from here.
∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗
Nasreddin argued with his wife and went to bed. The wife looked in the mirror and thinking that Nasreddin was asleep, she said:
– This is what he has driven me to do….
And she began to cry softly. Nasreddin heard all this and cried too.
– What is the matter with you? – Asked my wife.
And Nasreddin answers:
– I am crying over my bitter fate. As soon as you look at yourself, you burst into tears. How do I feel? I see you all the time and I don’t know when it will end. How can I not cry?
∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗
Thieves broke into Nasreddin’s house at night. No matter how hard they searched, they found nothing but the chest. The chest was so heavy that the thieves could hardly drag it to some ruins. When they finally tore off the lid of the chest, they saw Nasreddin covering his face with his hands.
– Why do you hide your face?
– I hid my face from the shame of my poverty….
∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗
Nasreddin once met his friend who had not seen him for a long time.
– So, how are you?
– I’m fine,” Nasreddin said. – I bought wheat with the money I had. All the harvest that came out I took to the mill. From all the flour that came out, I baked bread. And all the bread that came out was in my stomach.
∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗
Nasreddin’s mother-in-law fell ill. The relatives gathered and inquired about her health. He replied:
– They say she is still alive. But if it is the will of Allah, she will die soon.
∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗
They come to Nasreddin and say:
– Trouble, Hodja Nasreddin, your mother-in-law was washing clothes by the river and drowned. They still can’t find her!
Nasreddin ran to the river and looked around above where his mother-in-law was washing clothes.
– ‘What are you doing there, Hodja Nasreddin? – People asked. – After all, she was being carried down!
– You don’t know my mother-in-law. She was so stubborn, she always did everything backwards. And under water, I think she didn’t swim downwards, but upwards.
∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗
One day someone came to Hodja and said:
– Do you know when the showdown will happen?
– How? – Nasreddin asked.
– How do you mean? Are there several episodes of light?
– ‘Two. When your wife dies, it’s a big thing, and when you die, it’s a small thing.
∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗
Hodja Nasreddin is asked:
– Why did you divorce your wife?
– There was no life, she drove me harder than I drive my donkey. Do this for her, get that for her, take it out, wash it, sweep it up, rearrange it. I can’t remember the last time I was in a tea house with my friends….
– Like you don’t let your donkey run?
– Yes, but at least I feed him….
∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗
Nasreddin heard that the servant of a rich, respected townsman had died and went to offer his condolences. On his way, he learned that the rich man himself had died, and he returned.
– Why did you return halfway? – Nasreddin is asked.
– I went to pay my respects to the rich man. And whom do I have to serve?